I've been asked by fellow students if I work and I reply that I am the primary carer of two young children. There is an initial blank look then the swift politically correct reply "Oh, god, that's tough" before they do the sign of the cross and quickly step away, as if parenthood might be contagious.
What's harder – juggling children or paid work while studying? The answer is everyone should have the exhilarating experience of spending four years at university after you leave school, with nothing more taxing than intellectual advancement, a social life and that nagging frenzy about your future.
For having a fully fledged grown up life and studying is always a case of robbing Peter to pay Paul. Family, friends, cooking and bills go on the back burner when there is a major university deadline – except that before children no one suffered buy your waist line if you chose to eat takeaway while hitting the text books after a day at work.
Kids demand to be fed, loved, cared for and taken to school and back – a working day with children isn't like a day in the office – kids might be dropped off at school in the morning, but unless you leave them to languish in aftercare five days a week, you have to down tools at 3 pm to pick them up – and then it won't be possible to hit the books again until they have gone to bed.
It's hard to be creative at 9 pm after a solid five hours of referring, taxing, cajoling, homework supervising and nurturing. Harder than it was after a day in the office – sure, in the former life you might have ended up brain dead, but after motherhood's demands, you are dead on your feet.
But the rewards are plentiful – the dirty little secret of motherhood is that one aspect hasn't changed – you still lose all vestiges of self esteem the second you spend a moment more than designated maternity leave with your children. It gets worse the longer you are out of the paid work force - honestly who thought of that phrase? Interesting how caring for children is only work if you are looking after someone else is getting paid to do it.
So getting back to a world of adults by going back to university is like eating meat after a vegetarian diet. It might get stuck in your teeth but it fills you with energy. Not that the mothers I've met in motherland haven't been interesting – I've met better minds who've had more interesting careers standing in drafty suburban playgroup halls that sitting around newspaper offices.
It's just that there is a certain segment of the population in a little land called Privilege who don't want to do paid work again, don't want to go back to their demanding careers, and have partners who earn a hefty salary so they can be stay-at-homes.
Not for them the realisation they can suddenly start their own business, go back to university, volunteer for a charity. No – these women want to cocoon. Wallow. Fester. Smug in Privilege, it's all about the lifestyle.
I had a momentary free pass to Privilege. I couldn't stay long and I didn't like the people who lived there. It was back to work for me – albeit part time paid work and kids juggle for some time.
So how to nurture the mind in the mean time – when life was about the school pick up? Back to the books to retrain and reinvent. After all – if everyone has more than one career, why should mothers miss out?
Technology has conspired to make it easier than ever to juggle children and studying. When they're asleep you can access every library catalogue in the country online, and order books that way too. Look up journal articles in between the laundry….after all, my if my mother could do it back in the 1970s – why not me?
When it all seems too difficult, when the other mums look at me as if I have three heads and wonder why I bother – I think of my mum. She went back to finish her teaching degree and also her arts degree and I proudly remember going to two different graduations of hers on the same day – at two different universities.
She always said at the time I'd remember it. Did she imagine that it would sustain me now – and inspire me to copy her?
I believe it will help teach my children that hitting the books, being disciplined and making time for your mind – and let's face it, damn hard work and deferred gratification – are the norm. And eventually rewarding
I hope so.
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